Without the rain we would never have a rainbow. The thing about the rainbow though is it comes just after the storm. I am asking myself where is the rainbow. Where? I believe in silver linings and you can’t have a silver lining if there aren’t any storm clouds. Why are there so many storm clouds? Where is the silver lining? Why is there so much rain?
On September 27th I went to bed early. I felt more than tired, more than exhausted, and more than depleted. My immune system had just had it as I had some sores on the roof of my mouth. It seems that is always an indicator for me that I am about to get something big. Thus began my three week decline into C Diff that a friend of mine said, “I would rather be waterboarded than have c diff. ” Agreed. While talking to another friend of mine who has had this horrible bacterial infection I told her if I had been on the Oregon Trail I would have for sure died of dysentery.
This was bad. Three trips to the doctor, tests, labs, a prescription that knocked me out and then waking up to four worried phone calls from my doctor trying to get a hold of me to tell my that I in fact did have C diff and he was trying to call in a prescription to my pharmacy and that I should probably go to the hospital.
The hospital! I don’t want to go to the hospital or pay the hospital fees. I can’t afford them! In between all of this running to the bathroom literally six times in a 15 minute time span. Can I tell you I have never been so thirsty in my life. My lips are like two, dry, little, crispy fall leaves, that have lost their color and fallen to the ground. There were days that drinking four full size Gatorades did nothing to quench the thirst. I did not in fact go to the hospital instead, I went to my Moms. She kept an eye on me, I started the antibiotics and within 24 hours I felt a little better. Each day there has been a little improvement.
My children had been on a family vacation to Mexico with their Dad and whole extended family. They came home Friday night when all of this was happening and Aydan carried my purse and the weight of me as I leaned on him to get the prescription filled. My daughter Ellie took a cart to fill with ten more gatorades while we filled the prescription. I drank one while we waited. We all headed to home where my parents were waiting and we then stayed with them.
Saturday I slept a lot and when I wasn’t sleeping I was running to the bathroom. All I could eat was toast and even toast sounded so gross. Except when spread with a touch of cinnamon bun spread from Trader Joes. It was the only thing that I could choke down. I ate a whole loaf of bread during the last two weeks slathered with cinnamon bun spread. It’s delicious and it saved my life.
My Worst Nightmare
Saturday evening we went to bed pretty early. I was exhausted and so were the kids. Sunday morning I awoke to the worst text message anyone could ever receive. My nephew Bohdie had been in a car accident and had died during surgery. He was only 16. A hushed phone call with my children’s bonus mom. I was in shock and then I hung up the phone and cried. I talked to my sister in law. We cried. We talked about how we should tell our children. I decided to let mine sleep. A few more minutes of blissful, unknowing, pain free, rest.
I heard my daughter rustling in the kitchen downstairs, listened and soaked up the sounds. I said a prayer and I lay in bed waiting a bit until my son woke up. Walking downstairs, and Ellie said, “Mom, I am really sorry but I spilled some protein shake on the table cloth.” My focus was instantly laser sharp. Who cares about the Wal-Mart table cloth? Who cares about spilled shake? My daughter was here, home, safe.
I made some toast and scrambled two eggs. One for me and one for Aydan. I was hoping the smell would wake him up. It didn’t. I went upstairs and scratched his back and said it’s time to get up honey. He grumbled and then came downstairs. I gave him the egg and toast and we had family prayer and I cried. Then I told them the horrible news. The news that any parent should never hear. Any brother, sister, uncle, aunt, grandparent, cousin should never have to hear. That a precious child of their family has been taken from them.
Children and Grief
This week is a blur. A blur of an aching body and an aching heart. A blur of rocking my babies while they cry and all of us piled in my bed. Me distracting them with my LDS dating app pictures and my son telling me I was doomed forever if these were the choices and shrieking giggles at some of the most odd pictures you ever did see.
A blur of conversations of regret and anger. Conversations about numbing out and not feeling the pain and how important it is to feel the pain and talk about it and I am always there. The focus that you suddenly have about what is important and what is not. Discussing the five stages of grief and hugging and kissing those babes any time they leave and telling them sometimes the grief stages cycle more than once and that it is normal to feel all that they were feeling. It was taking my children to get a massage to ease some of their pain. It was sitting with a sister who had lost her baby and holding her hand as she expressed that she just wished he would walk out of his bedroom door. That is what we all wish.
Where is the rainbow?
Then I remember to ask, What am I supposed to learn? Here is what I have learned. Even though it is my ex husbands sister she is still my sister. Bohdie is still my nephew and a paper that says you aren’t part of the family anymore doesn’t mean you don’t still love them like family. It means when I see my niece Belle and don’t follow the hug rule…a hug only becomes awkward when the person your hugging pulls away but you keep hugging.. and then kiss her eight times on her cheek and she giggles.
It has reaffirmed what I have always known, that my children, our families children, are the most precious thing in life. I have learned that I am loved and as I reached out which is not easy for me to do so many people came to my aide. Instantly. My family and my friends and my coworkers. I have learned that it is ok not to answer emails, they can wait. Family. First. Health. First. I have learned ways to serve better. Better than I do by examples of love and kindness from so many. Thank you.
We were gentle among you….So being affectionately desirous of you, we were willing to have imparted unto you, not the Gospel of God only, but also our own souls, because ye were dear unto us.1 Thessalonians 7-8
This week I have been as weak in body, mind, and spirit as I was when I went through my divorce. I have felt so loved, people are so gentle, have imparted their own souls and have held me dear to them. How grateful I am for your love and your example and for being so kind and wonderful to my family and I. I have learned what it means to impart ones soul, affectionately, gently.
Somewhere, over the Rainbow and behind the clouds.