There was once a beautiful princess who lived in a quaint cottage that was neither too large nor too small. It was just right.
Well, I the narrator regress…the beautiful princess was very, very beautiful when computer generated filters smoothed her skin and imperfections. Otherwise, she was a princess who tried but in truth she was tired from working day and night like her dear friend Cinderella. She had a few wrinkles and some saggy skin and a some weight that loved her middle like she loved diet cokes and warm cookies.
Life had at times been very kind to her and at others, like right now, had cursed her with a sore curse of never ending diarrhea also called C. Diff or a parasite. The healer in the kingdom was not sure yet and conducting all kinds of tests to get some answers for our modern day princess.
She was loved by all the children in the land. Okay, by most of the children in the land except a few..she was sure. The children who did not like to be redirected she imagined did not love her at times, but 96.9874% of the kingdoms child population loved our modern day princess.
The princess loved her cottage. It was warm and safe. She read books by the window and sang while she baked by the hearth. She would walk through the woods around her cottage and enjoy the garden and the smell of the towns baker Joe’s Farm Grill wafting through the woods. She picked beautiful flowers in the field called Trader Joe’s for her table and she loved her house to smell delicious. She found her favorite potion Midnight Blue Citrus at the local Bath and Body Works Apothecary. The cottage was a happy place to be in fact it was where she and her two fairies rested from all the wicked evil queens, Gremlins, and sorcerers of the world.
There were an awful lot of Gremlins in the world at this time. You know the type that sneak into your home through your magical mirror computer and are friendly but if they disagree with you at ALL…….it’s like you spilled water on them! However, modern day Gremlins have multiplied immensely and they never seem to go away they just reappear on the princesses magical mirror continually arguing and it is very exhausting at times for the princess that she must just shut down the magical mirror computer for a break.
Now fairies don’t always have to be girls. She had a boy and a girl fairy that resided with her in the cottage. It was a little like her friend Snow White at times. Her fairies were generally happy and helpful but sometimes grumpy, lazy, and moody, and the male….he was starving all the time. They were mostly delightful and loved to be involved in all of the princesses magical plans.
The princess worked very hard for her life to make it happy. It was not an easy task. There was a lot to do and at times her cottage fell into a bit of mismash and disarray. She often worked and worked and worked and didn’t notice a lot of goings on around her, but one day she looked over the hedge and noticed some sparrows that she loved so much singing away.
For behind the hedge lived a Birdmongering Enchantress. The birdmongerer invited and fed all of the birds in the land into her garden over the hedge. Which was lovely, until it wasn’t. Everyday the birds were fed and then they told their friends about the all you can eat buffet and their friends told their friends about the new Golden Corral that had just opened up. Soon flocks of birds were in the enchantresses yard. However, as much as the princess loves birds she does not love a certain type of bird. For in all kingdoms there are two forces at play good and evil, even the bird kingdom. The most evil of all birds is of course the pigeon. First of all, they creep out the princess and second of all they are like the Goliath of field birds. Goliath birds have Goliath poo. This did not please the princess. AT ALL. They also like to take up residence in the princesses lovely little cottage all the while pooping great big globs of poop piles below where they have decided to roost.
There was only one thing to do. The princess needed to talk to the Birdmongering Enchantress. BM for short. She did what every princess does…she sent over THE QUEEN. Yes, her Mother who all the inhabitants bow down to and has a very regal sort of presence. The Queen went over and knocked on BM’s door. The Enchantress did not even come out! In all fairytales doesn’t the Enchantress show herself and make a deal? Not in this modern day fairytale. Nope.
Meanwhile, nests began to form in the princess’ roof and giant poops and feathers were everywhere including caking the Enchantress’ front porch and all of the neighboring homes. It had to be some sort of city code violation or something. But alas, there was nothing to be done!!!!
NO. That is not true! There is always something to be done! And so.
The princess did what she had always done.
She came to her own rescue.
Where was the prince? Dashing and handsome and wielding a Scottish, English, Irish, French, OR Spanish, accent?? Because she wasn’t picky..really her best quality.
No. He was nowhere to be found!!! Plus if some prince showed up she’d probably push him off of his horse anyway and tell him to get out of her way.
She was fretting. Throwing rocks at the nesting pigeons was doing nothing. They only looked at her menacingly. Like this.
And then she realized she had forgotten the most important character in all of the best stories. Her Fairy Godmother. She called her name, Amazon and she appeared. Amazon had solutions in hand. The first being…a blow dart gun. It was delivered in 24 hours in prime time. The fairies were in charge of this task they tried but blow dart guns are hard to use and they missed. Leaving many lost arrows and several stuck in the roof of the cottage. Where was that handy hunter when you needed him?!?
So. The princess thought and she tried her hand at blowdarting. She was not very good. She then decided to consult Fairy Godmother Amazon again. Who had more answers..an Owl. An owl whose head turns with the sun and is promised to scare away pigeons. In prime time the owl was delivered to her front door. He was the cottages watch tower and protector. Finally.
A long forgotten purchase from a distant Mexican Kingdom. The slingshot was found. There were many good rocks all around the cottage and soon war was declared. Unfortunately, because there were no woodsmen, or hunters the princess was not a great marksman and neither were her fairies. It was however enough to frighten the pigeons away. For now.
The owl remains sentinel.
The moral to this tale. Pigeons are annoying and so is the Birdmongering Enchantress and also, If you want something done you have to do it yourself.
XOXO- The Sunny D