Birthdays. They aren’t what they used to be.
In one week I will be 43. How did this even happen? Last year, when I was thinking about what I wanted my 42nd year to look like… I never would have imagined that this is the way it turned out. That is for sure. I think every single one of us can say that 2020 brought MANY opportunies for growth. How did I grow?
My profession and many professions have been met with turmoil and change. Some jobs are non-exisentent due to the Covid-19 Pandemic. Luckily, I have a job that I love. Learning to move a classroom from inperson to online has been such a challenge. I can’t even begin to describe the amount of stress and time and energy it has taken to teach my students in this new way. It has stretched me in so many ways that I never wanted to be stretched in. I wonder often, what is the purpose for this learning season? One thing, my collegues and I have poured ourselves into umpteen hours to make schooling great.
I guess the sad thing to me is the anger online. It has never been more clear to me that you cannot make everyone happy. No matter how hard you try and there will always be critics. However, that does not diminish my dedicaton for a job well done. Or my ability to step into the arena to fail, succeed, and be marred with dust and mud. This time has caused ME and many others in my profession to dare greatly and to do things that have never been asked of us before and WE HAVE DONE THEM and I dare say, WE HAVE DONE THEM WELL.
So I am proud of my accomplishments in my career and the progress being made. With that said, I am anxious to get back into the classroom. I will miss the ability to throw in a load of laundry during my lunch break. I have a great parking spot and I can wear pajamas on the bottom half and no one is the wiser. I will not miss the constant ache behind my left eye a tension headache that never goes away or the constant complaining. It is hard to not take it personal especially, when you are working so so hard and need so much help from others to accomplish new tasks.
I am greatful for my cheerleaders and supporters and the children who come meet me in class everyday. I am so grateful for the parents who are willing to test assignements to make sure they can get into them. I am grateful for the partnerships of good, loving, caring parents. I am so thankful to see my students…I already love each one of them. That is the benefit of online school..I get to see their faces front and center. It usually takes me until December to just be in love with my class but this year is different. I love them already. Probably, because we are all in this together.
My family is doing well and growing up. I love watching them and having them here with me. I love being a Mom and making dinner and spending time together. I love going on adventures with them.
My son can drive now and what a huge relief it has been to have another driver in the house. I have been the sole driver for ten years and the other day when he could drive himself to a dentist appointment while I was teaching online I about got up and clicked my own heels!
We went on a seven mile hike a few weekends ago. It was really hot and the hike wasn’t too hard but the heat…nearly killed me. Aydan had a friend with him and they went ahead while Ellie and I cooled off for a minute in the creek. It was amazing to bring our body temperatures down. Ellie and I made it a bit later to the place that you cliff jump and it was so fun to watch my kids. Aydan was so sure of himself and brave. He helped his little sister climb to the highest cliff and cheered her on as she jumped. She was brave too.
It is amazing for me to sit back and watch these two. I think they have been friends for a long time, maybe they had a pact to help get each other through life. They really love each other and it really is something to watch. I felt proud as a Mom, something I don’t let myself do often. In that moment I thought, they are going to be ok.
Everyone wants to know.
Why I am not married.
I don’t know.
I haven’t found the guy I just can’t live without yet.
I’m just searching for a heart of gold and I’m gettin’ old as Neil Young croons.
And I am happy with myself and I have a good life.
The truth is sometimes I worry about it but mostly I am so immersed in my life with work and my children that I don’t have much time to fret. There are always the creeping insecurites that roll around in the back of my brain and the fears. I think those have heald me back for a long time but the truth is now I feel more like myself than I ever have and that is what 2019-2020 has brought me. Clarity. Silence. A rememberance of who I really am. Sometimes the quiet is too quiet and sometimes lonliness creeps in.
I am dating and have been on a few recently one was one of the worst dates ever where I kept setting my boundries and this date could not fathom them. In fact he sent me a quote about how I needed to step out of my comfort zone, but the truth was I just didn’t like him. The picture of the sting ray above is basically a visual for that date.
Then, a few weeks later…because I only have every other week without my kids I went on one of the best dates. I didn’t have to worry about one thing and I felt beautiful and comfortable. There were flowers and conversation, dinner, a fun activity, and a long drive in a convertable with the top down. It was fun and he was handsome and sweet.
So there are both sides of the coin. The great ones and the not so great ones. And then there’s the ones that you’ve been waiting for to come around and you wonder if they will and you let go. Then they come back and then you let them go. Who knows.
What I know and hope for
I know that this has been a year of growth and self care. It was desperately needed because I was dying in self sacrafice and failing. I love the simple things: my family, the gospel, singing, teaching, laughing, the sunsets, the trees, the beach, and good sleep.
What I hope for:
Fall…I can’t wait
travel..I miss seeing the world
A great love
the next good book
concerts and live music…oh how I miss it
long walks holding hands
movies at the movie theater
happy children…I hope that continues
All in all 2019-2020 has not been so terrible. It has been challenging for sure and I have to ignore social media because its so negative. My life a a whole though is lovely and good. We are happy. We are healthy. We are together.