I am a very S L O W processor of feelings. It has always been this way. I keep them out on the peripheral edges and they creep in a little at a time until I can fully accept the truth. Until I can handle it I guess. I have to warm up to it. Whatever I T is.
And so quarantine.
I came home from this brightly colored experience in Maui with my son back into the sludge. I feel bad for saying that because I can’t help but feel that the sludge is not really sludge yet. So what I percieve to be bad maybe I’ll look back at and think was wonderful. Maybe because I am worried about the unkown, what if it gets way worse? What if it’s better?
Is it? Will it?
I focus on the day. What I can do that day. I have to because if I wander down the dark rabbit hole of what ifs…it’s troublesome.
I made this schedule for my kids when they came home from their Dad’s house. It was basically so I could get work done and keep them busy. Then I see all these shaming posts about schedules…Guess what. I don’t care. We have to function over here. Our schedule looks like this and it is flexible.
- Wake up, eat, get dressed
- You may not open cereal boxes until the cereal in the cupboard is eaten and Mom will add new boxes of oatmeal/cereal
- Personal Scripture study 10 minutes
- Pick a chore from the chalkboard, do it
- Work on classes for two hours
- Minimum 30 minutes of exercise
- Free Time for the rest of the day..projects, games etc.
There is also a blurb about house rules which are simple here: be kind, respectful, and do your part. If you can’t do these things we are on a three strike system and once you have three strikes you have to go to bed at 7pm. And also if you argue with Mom you owe her a dollar.
Everything seemed to move along pretty smoothly until today.
Aunt Flo came to visit this morning and brought with her a roaring headache. I thought I feel gross so I’ll actually get ready today..hair, make-up and got dressed. I got up and checked the freezer and made a giant batch of protein shake for the kids and I. Everyone was happy and we got to work on our tasks. I had emails to answer, a meeting to attend, an online class to take, online resources to look through and assess if they would work for my class or not.
In the middle of my team meeting which was going very well…and luckily I had my background noise muted on the virtual meeting I hear a scuffle by the chalkboard. I have noise reducing earphones on so I can’t really hear what’s going on and I am focused on work. Until out of the corner of my eye I see a mop flying around the kitchen and hear screaming and tackling!
YELLING OVER WHO GETS TO DO WHAT CHORE..my 16 year old and 13 year old. ( seriously?!?!)
Thank goodness for mute buttons on virtual meetings because I whipped those headphones off so fast and said S*T*R*I*K*E* and sent both teenagers to their rooms until my meeting finished up.
I returned to the meeting like this: Professional Teacher here..nothing to see…or hear..
The meeting finished up and I had my list of tasks to complete for the day which was lengthy. We are scheduled for certain times to enter the school one day a week and the second grade team had time at 11:30. It was 11:00 by this time and I called the kids down. I told them I was choosing the chores today and then a lecture about me having to work for home and all of us helping.
I COULD go to my bedroom for the meeting but I just feel like having a team meeting from my bedroom is just unprofessional.
Meanwhile…Aunt Flo is bringing her “A” game in the migraine department.
I leave my house overwhelmed. As I am sure all of us parents are working at home and remote schooling happening at home.
I have my list of items I need from my classroom to remotely teach from home. Which today for some reason has covered me over like a wave in the ocean and drug me out to sea. I drove to the school..alone.
I decided it would make me really happy to get a Diet Coke from McDonald’s. So I got in the drive thru line and placed my order. I pulled forward and felt lost and out to sea with an impending feeling of anxiety coming on. I lay my head back on the head rest and said a prayer in my head and heart. My eyes closed with a moment of peace and the window down enjoying the cool weather and breeze when someone yells….GO! Meanly I might add.
My eyes snap open and the rising anxiety in my chest sharpens and my head throbs. A little buzz of anxious energy runs through me like I just got in trouble.
I get my drink and head to the school. Familiar. Home. My other home.
I get out of my car and see a collegue and that makes me happy to see someone I know that isn’t my immediate family and from far away we yell talk.
I walk into the school and you know each school has its own smell. Franklin at Brimhall’s smell is tempra paint and a dirty sunshine smell mixed together. It hits my senses and then I walk into my classroom. A mix of carpet and Steve (the guinea pig) and lavendar vanilla plug-ins. I suck in a breath of air and then it comes the wave that slaps my skin and pushes me back to shore and I cry. Which intensifies my migraine.
I never imagined a few weeks ago that when we went on Spring Break from my class that it was forever. I missed my kids (students) intensely and I just wanted to hug them. You know its been a hard year for me health wise. I missed a whole week of school this year and then subsequent days for other things. Everytime I came back and picked my class up after I had been gone they clapped for me. They clapped. Like I was really something special. All I want to do is see them coming in and clap for them and see their jack-o-lantern toothy smiles from their cute lost teeth.
Gathering my things and my emotions up I filled my trunk with books and manuals and headed home.
When I got home it was almost one. My friend sent me a text that Taco Bell was giving a free taco today. My mop throwing teenagers and I went through the drive thru and picked ours up and headed back home. Does anyone else feel like they need to be cooking three meals a day? I am so over cooking. I think because I don’t want to waste anything and I know if I prepare lunch and breakfast for my kids the food that needs to be used does AND is generally healthier than what they would have made for themselves! But then dinner rolls around and I am over it! I made lemon bars from scratch tonight for the first time and homemade mashed red potatoes yesterday. Things are happening.
I worked until 3:30.
I had great plans to exercise which I have done every day. Today. Today I sluffed up the stairs and took a nap for an hour. Where finally. Finally the headache left me.
Ellie made dinner.
Aydan helped me make some deliveries.
He did the dishes.
Ellie helped make lemon bars.
And everything is right in the world.