That feeling has returned.
The oppressive, heavy feeling, that comes with responsibility and being an adult.
The feeling of being stuck. The feeling of it is all too much.
I am stuck in a thirty mile radius of my home because that is about as far as I dare to drive my car out and back. I am limited to a 30 mile one way maximum drive. At least I can still get to Last Chance and back. Now that would really be the end of the world if I couldn’t get there and back, wouldn’t it? I love that Honda though with its 250,000 miles, broken door handles, cracked the whole way front window and rear view mirror, windows that don’t roll down and A/C that only works if you are driving at a speed over 35 miles per hour. The construction on Higley Road is about to kill me and my children. If we have to sit in traffic for longer than 2.3 minutes and the outside temperature is over seventy degrees the air conditioning turns to a slow, hot vapor, oozing from the vents of the car. Which, are also broken. The steering wheel also shakes, a lot. Don’t worry a new car is on the horizon it just isn’t immediately alleviating the feeling of stuckness.
I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of being stuck. I mean I know there are worse things trust me. The financial pressure of being an adult and being responsible is very hard sometimes. One of my favorite books is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am sure you have heard of her. I am reading another book by her that is about living creatively. In it she talks about how she would do any job to save up money so she could travel and write about it. That sounds so romantic doesn’t it? I am not sure how one can do that with children as I just paid a $40.00 co-pay for my daughters sinus infection. You know, because I am responsible I take care of my children. I also understand my role as a Mom and know that, that is THE most important thing. Being a Mom sure takes care of that silly little attribute called selfishness. It wrings it right out of you like a high diver using a shammy as he exits the pool.
That doesn’t mean that my whole heart, spirit, and mind are not longing to explore. There is this piece of ME the real inside me that longs to see and do and learn all about the world and people and cultures. It is the inside me that hopes. It is the me that dreams, is brave, and is longing for an adventure. No. Needs it. Needs adventure and something to hold onto because all of this stuff that is sitting around me right now like stinky, poop streaked, underwear laundry and taxes and co-pays and little money left over because it is all being given away to make others lives happier might just suffocate the real me. Well, and how about those dishes? I just want to feel alive in my skin and have something to look forward too.
I want to believe in possibilities again.
Something.
I want to feel the heat of Asia and the taste of a cool, seedy, dragon fruit. I want to see a Buddha half a mile long and hear people selling their wares along the river while riding in a boat. I want to ride a rusty bike by the sea shore and watch men fishing and sleeping in hammocks along the coast. I want to smell curry as I step off the plane in Thailand. I want to marvel at the dedication the people have to their God in Bali and walk the rice paddies. I want to visit a Hindu temple and eat Dim Sum. I want to see a monkey swoop down and steal melon right off my plate. I want to be surrounded by so much green it makes me sleepy and see sheep dotted here and there through the countryside. I want to enter a 10th century church the size of my bathroom that you can feel the sacredness of that place. I want to stand in front of the place where my Great Grandmother was born in Ireland and eat soda bread so delicious it could never be recreated. I want to stroll through the museums of history and art and eat lunch in the cafe. I want to look all over and feel like I hit the jackpot when I find a Diet Coke with ice, and by ice I mean ONE ice cube. I want to use public transportation because using that is sometimes a treasure hunt in itself; oh and restrooms. I want to watch the people at the park. I want to sit and watch and soak in all I see and fall in love with it. I want to join in a game of Bocce ball in France. Oh, how I want to see Giverney! I want to order a crepe right on a street corner and go the the flea market. I want to be surrounded by art. I want to marvel at every single thing in Westminister Abbey and then walk outside to see a red phone booth and double decker bus. I want to walk around castles and pretend I live there. I want to feel cobblestone under my feet. I want to lay on the beach in Spain and eat pepitas. I want to meet friends and go to a fair at two in the morning. I want to see cathedrals and grab a tuna sandwich from the department store and then head to Zara. I want to be thin like I was when I was there. I want to see ancient Rome show up in unexpected places and visit midevil towns set amidst bustleing modern cities. I want to be with my friends. I would even feed the birds again. Except I have done these things already and so I ask, where next? I want to live, and breathe, and set my good little heart free for a few days.
And maybe I should just be grateful for all of these memories and hope for more.
I can’t say why anyone would choose to wear a green sweatsuit to Ireland. It’s so attractive no wonder my first husband divorced me. Geez. Look at that landscape. Just look, is that not dreamy? Ireland.
That church. Sigh. Scotland. Someone was married there that day and I died a little inside at the pure romance of it all.
Harrods
Versailles….all my France pictures were lost but a few.
Touch the rose for good luck….Spain
Me and T
Spain
Spain
Bali….Mom’s feet
Rice Paddy
Bangkok
So hot and sweaty = HAIR.
I feel better. I think what I have realized is that maybe I just need to buckle down and get a car so I don’t feel stuck. I have been so fortunate and I realize this and am so grateful. As I looked through my pictures and the memories in my mind I thought of all the people I love who I have traveled with and many not pictured here. How I love all of those people. I have decided it is time to plan. It is time to save some money so there is something to look forward too. It is time to prioritize and cut back and make a travel plan.
Something to look forward to besides……
My reality which is sitting alone in church on Easter. Or maybe just the being alone part. It is time to make a plan. It is time to have a goal and something to get excited about. Adventure awaits.
XOXO- The Sunny D
