Do you ever have weeks where you contemplate your life? Where you think about what you have done well in your opinion and what you could improve? I was having a few of these weeks and I was reading old blogs that I had written. I was surprised by my immaturity and emotions in my early blogs but grateful I had recorded my feelings so that I had evidence to gage personal growth. I could feel the anxiety and fear and the darkness of the unknown folding its cloak around me. There was also sunshine streaming its rays on my face when I chose to see it. I began blogging about a year before my divorce and what turned my thoughts to the past was the time of year. In March 2010, I left behind me the rags of my old life. I started a new chapter in my new home with my angel children, alone.
What I have realized is this, I was lucky to love. I was lucky to receive the blessings of being sealed in the temple. I was the luckiest when I was blessed to be a Mom. My best job. I was lucky to have a family who loved me. I was lucky to have friends who loved me and I loved them. Most of all, I was lucky to learn that I was so much stronger than I ever believed. Trust me, I had a lot of help along the way and I still do but I learned that I could do hard things. I learned I could thrive and be happy. Those are some good things to learn.
Sometimes thinking about the past is hard and I don’t think it is good to dwell on things you can’t change. Thursday night at about 11pm Spanish Sassafras said, “Come to General Conference with me.” Since I had just been complaining about being stuck in my life on my last blog I said…ok. Off we flew Friday evening at 9:30 pm on a whirlwind trip to Salt Lake City to watch General Conference. Which in itself is a little miracle to me and proof that the Lord sure knows me and when I need a break and puts me in places where that can happen. I love General Conference for so many reasons but mostly because I get to watch it in my jammies at home ALL weekend long. Not this time. This time I would watch it on Temple Square.
We accompanied sweet Brother Batista from Miami to conference. We were so lucky to get into ALL FOUR SESSIONS, in the conference center. The last session we were in about row four, Section one. It was amazing. We were so lucky to stay with the Jones family where we were treated like queens. It was a lovely two days.
There are things I struggle with, we all do. We all have struggles, right? I was sitting in a meeting with my Stake President many years ago. My life as I knew it was shattering around me but he gave some insightful advice. He said live your life with a brightness of hope. This simple message I have heard over, and over, and over again. I heard it again in the conference center many times. So, I resolve to have hope but not just any kind of hope bright, sunshiny, hope.
President Monson said, “The choices we make determine our destiny.” Choose the harder right than the easier wrong. I choose to be happy! I choose to be kind to myself and others. I choose to live my best life.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf talked about mans ability to make new life from ashes….YES! My heart wanted to sing and that we need to trust in Heavenly Father to rebuild us.
Most of all, I learned and felt that Heavenly Father loves me. Elder Holland’s talk was so powerful it gave me hope to not be discouraged and that we get credit for trying. I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders when I heard those words. Credit for trying. Sometimes I feel like I am trying so hard but I am JUST treading water trying to keep my head afloat. Luckily..THAT COUNTS!
I learned so much. I am grateful for the time I was able to sit and learn. Plus, I felt so lucky to be able to hear the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing. I kept thinking I would pay a lot of money to hear a concert like this! The music filled my whole heart with joy. I was so happy to spend time with Spanish Sassafras. We reviewed our lives, mourned some things, were so happy about other things. Life is so tricky but it is SO good.
I will live my life with a brightness of hope.
Now….what does THAT look like?
XOXO- The Sunny D