She Loves Sometimes.

October Break date with my girl. We went to lunch, shopping for new Sunday shoes and the movies. Pretty much a perfect day. 

You know life isn’t at all how I thought life would be divorced. I mean it kind of is but it really isn’t in a lot of ways. I thought I would get remarried and I didn’t think it would take much work. If I am being completely transparent. I knew lots of people who had been divorced and who were remarried easily, quickly. 

Yet, here I am. 

I see my friends one by one pairing off and getting engaged and then married and moving on with their lives and I am just here. I ask myself all the time if maybe it’s because I really don’t want to be married again? Maybe. I have a full life, I have lots of friends who are really super duper fun. I mean really fun. I am sort of afraid marriage will be really hard. I mean, it was the first time. Really. Really. Hard. Love hasn’t changed from before though, it is as it has always been. 

You love him, adore him, would get the moon and the stars for him. He’s clueless. He doesn’t even know you exist and the truth is you’re not brave enough to show him that you do exist. You’re just you, hoping that maybe he will see you the way you see him. Maybe he will, maybe when the fear of marriage leaves your heart for good. Who knows. Who knows what it takes, and you never will know because your a big fat chicken. 

Then there is this scenario. He loves you, he adores you. He would get the moon and the stars for you. And you have fun with him, you like him even. You enjoy his company and he’s an all around great guy but there is no magic. He could even be a really, really, great guy. The kind of guy you told yourself if he came along you would snatch him up for good…who cares if there is magic you just want peace and happiness in your home. But the magic…where is that magic and you just can’t do it. You just can’t. The truth is you want it all, great guy AND magic. 

And so it is. Girls trying to figure out boys and boys trying to figure out girls. It is really exhausting, and that is probably the reason why I am not in a rush to be married. I have to have the magic, because when the magic is there it is not exhausting. It is easy and fun. 

The magic just happens so rarely for me that is the problem. There are people who see fireworks every time they turn around. Then there is me who just simmers, quietly never really too excited about any guy. I’d like to think that I don’t think too much about boys. The ugly truth of it all though is, it sits in the time out corner of my brain and yells at me every now and then wanting some attention. Until I put it back in time out shushing it with all the things you tell your friends sort of half believing yourself like: he’s just not ready for you yet, or he’s here you will meet him soon, or he just HAS to see what I see, he HAS to see how great you are, it will happen someday. You know, those types of phrases that shut the beast up.

I am in no rush because I refuse to live without magic. So for now I will make my own magic and enjoy my life. Oh man am I having the itch to travel right now. I want to pack my bags and fly to some new place I have not yet explored. Exploring is magical. The kids and I went camping for the first weekend of Fall Break. It was amazing. We listened to conference in the forest during the day and coyotes and elk serenading us at night. We hiked and walked, roasted marshmallows and I was so happy. We all were. The rest of the week I spent cleaning and doing laundry. I went to lunch and dinners with friends. I shopped at Last Chance and I took my daughter out for some one on one time. My next adventure will take me to one of my happy places. So how can I complain? The forest and the beach sandwiching the week of October Break? Pretty glorious.