Do you ever just feel like you are totally drowning? I do. It has been a super busy couple of weeks. I felt like my life was swirling around me and I was doing my very best to keep up. Not always in the best way either..sometimes a little more irritated than I should have been, and sometimes my usual sunny self. My last few weeks included parent teacher conferences, the kids Dad being out of town so LOTS of extra responsibilities, not to mention the thirty or more hours of work I needed to do on top of my job, boy scouts, gymnastics, pack meeting, the school carnival that was a success but literally nearly buried me six feet under, a book report due and me running everyone everywhere. Luckily, I had some help a few nights. What would I ever do with out my Mom and Dad, my friends that walked with me at night and let me vent, sometimes REALLY MAD venting about the DUMB BOOK REPORT and one super great babysitter that took over Saturday evening while I literally checked out. ( AND I PAID $20 to help Aydan draw the comic strip of his book report which turned out WAY better than if I had ever helped him with it!)
Saturday the weight of it all creeped in, my thoughts turned to what a witch I could be sometimes and how could I do better and then I cried because I didn’t think I COULD do better. I was exhausted to the bone and I was beating myself up because I was so disconnected with everything. Exhaustion does that to me, I just mentally check out. It is like I get to the threshold and then its like whoop there she goes..gone. It’s what my friends and I call the “fog” or basically a zombie like survival mode. I’d been in it for several days now. I was angry and Friday nights sleep was a ghost that came and went in the night filled with nightmares of the week that had past.
Saturday was piano practice and running errands, temper tantrums from my 9 year old, and some baking to try and feel like a REAL Mom again. It was me trying to lay down for ONE hour with my kids coming in a total of 4….. count them FOUR times for one reason or another. So scratch the so called desperately needed nap.
I had secured a babysitter. So I left to go to the Relief Society Broadcast, I drove alone but was greeted by two lovely, just as tired as I was, familiar and friendly faces. The Neapolitan Crew was intact. They had served dinner at four but all that was left when I arrived just before five was bread and jam. Which. I happily helped myself to because I realized I was super hungry. This is the important thing, when we try to do our best WE ARE SUPPORTED. There were several messages I needed to hear. I looked over at the strawberry part of our Neapolitan Crew and she was bent over rubbing her neck. I quickly began to rub her neck for her. As I did, I cried. I cried, and I cried because I felt those knots in her neck and back and I knew that I was not the only one who had had a hard week. I rubbed her back and scratched it and I could feel HER exhaustion and I was glad that for one minute, I wasn’t a witch. Then the chocolate of our Neapolitan crew rubbed my back, and I cried some more because when you are alone you don’t have anyone to rub your back at night and tell you it will be ok. Tomorrow will be better. You just don’t. I cried because I felt support. Oh, I am the vanilla section of the Neapolitan crew. So then I, rubbed chocolates back and I felt her knots in her neck and back and I knew that she had a hard week too. We all had. Then I had some clarity, for a minute. The fog lifted and instead of being so angry I felt grateful. I felt peace. I was supported and I knew Heavenly Father blessed me with these women and we were together so we could help each other. I got home late and hopped into my bed where Ellie had snuck into earlier, she stirred and snuggled in close. I wrapped my arm around her and she kissed my hand and I cried. I cried because I was so lucky to be loved so unconditionally.
And so today was better. On the way to church my children and I had a talk about what promises are. We discussed what it meant to keep a promise and we discussed what promises they could keep this week. We decided to set a goal. They decided to keep their promise to practice the piano. I told them I loved them and I silently cheered from the way back of the church while they were in the Primary Program. I gave them a thumbs up after they said their parts and I blew kisses back to Ellie as she stood in the stands to wave at me and blow kisses when she should have been sitting and being reverent. I smiled a big smile at Aydan as I caught his eye on the stands so big and smart and reverent. After church I came home and made a little lunch for my kids and finally took that nap.
What happens when you have 15 minutes to kill before church? Little miss sassy red boots photo shoot.
Mr. Cool somehow produced sunglasses…
