My Birthday Girl 6 years old
I wish I could say that life is just, that it is fair. That everything is even, but it isn’t. Especially divorce. Divorce isn’t fair and the thing is, it isn’t fair to ANYBODY. Ellie just had her 6th birthday party. Her Dad and I took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese because that is where she wanted to go. It was just her Dad, Step mom, brother, stepsister a few friends and I. I think it was a success.
I often think how crummy it must be to go back and forth between parents, to always be in transit. I think divorce is worst for the kids. They are the innocents, they didn’t have a choice and yet they have to change and roll with it. My children have been exceptional throughout all of the changes. There have been the hurt feelings, the tantrums and melt downs which in the case of a family splitting up are totally expected. I have worked very hard to try and keep life the same for them. Their Dad is wanting more time with them and of course he does. But that is just not fair. It isn’t fair to anyone.
I am working full time again. I love it. Personally, I feel re-awakened to the talent of teaching the Lord has blessed me with. I am excited to go to work each day, to learn new things and meet new friends. To teach children who are excited to learn and happy to see me. It is really the very first change the children have had in OUR home. On one hand I wish I could be a stay at home Mom, but on the other this job was a direct blessing from the Lord. In more ways than one. It is where I am supposed to be right now. There is a trade though, just like staying home there was a trade to not working. I struggled immensely to make ends meet last summer. This summer I can pay the bills. But, I have to trade being able to go on field trips, and volunteering in the kids classrooms. It is fair, and yet, it isn’t. There have been a few changes in the routine with me working, but they are temporary and not much of a disruption to our normal routine. Next year, I will have the kids come with me.
Tonight the kids stopped by to pick up a few things to take to their Dad’s house. As they were getting ready to leave Ellie just wanted to stay. She pleaded, she lay on the couch and got teary eyed, she wanted to stay with Mom. Frankly, I wanted her to stay with Mom too. Her Dad said no, after all it was his night. She tried to be brave but I could feel her tender heart as she blinked the tears away. I hugged her and kissed her soft little cheek. I wish I could have just rocked her, the way Mom’s should get to do when their children’s hearts are sad. It wasn’t fair and yet it is.
This is the only way I can bear it. It is fair because the Lord has a plan for all of us, a blueprint for our lives. He knows everything, and has custom designed trials for each of us that will help us grow to our best potential. It is how we learn to react in these trials that we grow in the way HE wants us to grow and develop. Most of these trials are not fair. Not fair because we can’t see the bird’s eye view, we don’t hold the blueprint. Luckily, we have Jesus Christ who atoned not only for the sinner, but for ALL of the things that are unjust, the things we can’t control. I know that all of these things will be made up to my children, to me. If we just try to follow the blueprint, the plan. If we allow Christ in our lives and let him take the hurts and the unfairness away at some point we will see things clearly. I have faith in this, because I don’t understand the whys. I have faith that every little thing will be alright.